DURING-March

They say things happen in threes. After Maces leg and Preston's Gas scare we were just holding our breath.   Strike 3--Preston got sick again and was in the ER saying "it's not gas what is this."  After several test, a cat scan, and a few hours in the Hospital he was diagnosed with  Nonalcoholic Steatohepatitis (NASH) .   His liver doesn't process fats as well as it should.  Diet and exercise can alleviate  pain and symptoms but not much you can do about it.   As you age it may gets worse but again 40-50 years of salads just isn't going to fly with my man.  He is trying though. 

In hindsight the Lord was preparing us for what came next. The final blow...I wrote this e-mail to everyone a few days after....

     When cousin Jen lost her baby she wrote a blog. I admired her strength and understand the wisdom in it. Because I can't talk right now.  But I don't want it to be Taboo either (don't say baby, prego, kids,or anything around Sierra) I know it sucks. It's really really really hard right now. You don't know what to say. Who or what or when to ask. Your concerned and curious and cautious.... Thank you. Your support and love means the world right now and always.

     Soooo....Last week Mom and Syringa were in the area and came to my 2nd ultrasound. Baby was 12 weeks, clear and had a strong fast heartbeat.  The Doctor came in and advised getting the Harmony Genetics Test because some fluid was found in babies tummy called Fetal Acsities. Really glad to have family with me to keep me from freaking out. We got ice cream after. Preston kept telling me to keep calm and try not to work myself into a frenzy. The following Monday we were refereed to Boise for further tests. Wednesday Preston took off work to come with me. McCarty and Baler entertained the kids.
     St. Luke's Maternal Fetal Medicine in Boise. The First ultrasound technician came in and took a few measurements. A round of vitals- pee in a cup -history and info. Then the doctor came in to go over the images with us. He was kind but got right to the point.
     “You can see this is the yoke sack.  We don't know why these things sometimes just happen but you can see it's starting to collapse and as of now baby has no heartbeat. It's been in the last week baby has passed. …. No real reason. And not saying it will happen again. Your young and have 3 strong babies and can do it again...”
     I know he went on. Explanations, future instruction, comfort words. But I really didn't hear much after that. I think the word is "Hysterical". He gave us water and the room for as long as we needed. I'm not sure how long that was. The TV was off. But the monitor in the corner still displayed our images. I couldn't leave that lemon size blotch on the screen. It's like Preston said later “I didn't know I could miss something I never had or love someone I never met but I did, I do , I am.” I was numb leaving. Preston made a few calls to St. Luke's Twin Falls. Moms and such. I sat in the car hyper focused on counting the petals of a chrysanthemum Cart gave me in a bouquet that morning. I got to 6 like 50 times. I was kind of out of it at this point.  Cart said the kids were fine and take our time. We got frozen yogurt and sat in front of Meridian Temple for a while. 
     Spiritually and intellectually we know it's all going to be OK. A plan. A reason. Makes you stronger. But for now. Mentally emotionally. Now it sucks. It' s hard. It hurts. The kids have known and been involved in my pregnancy from day one. I was so sick and we were so excited. Telling them was tough to say the least.  We told them in the same "upbeat- its ok" way  you break hard news like  "hey bubbles the fish went to live with Jesus and next time we are in town you can pick out a new one OK. Now who wants a Popsicle."  I think Katana got that it was bigger than a fish but kids are so matter of fact and pure . “If Jesus needs the baby then its OK we'll get the next one” I Hope I can follow their example of faith. Both Preston and Dad gave me a blessings before and after. It helped my interpretation of the phrase “it will be OK”  change. But right now I'm still not.  But I know eventually I will.  We love you and are so grateful for your prayers. Time and God heal all. 

At least I sure hope so.